I really care about him but because of how selfish I’ve been about how my life is terrible, I forgot to take him in consideration of my actions. Everything we’ve did together, I remember and every reaction on his face I understood.
He told me he was depressed and he gets like that from time to time; He doesn’t know why but he accepts it as his life. I won’t let him continue believing that.
I’m sorry but because he won’t tell me anything… I will have to make him tell me. One way or another, I will know and I will help him.
We ate at Elbows Mac n’ Cheese restaurant then we went to JP Bakery Cafe down the street for dessert. We went to a couple Army Surplus store and he finally found his trench coat.
The day was great but there are always those moments where I would catch how he truly felt.
Whenever I asked, “what’s wrong?” He would lie to me.
He would get upset whenever I wouldn’t listen to what he told me not to do, no matter how small.
He would tell me, “Don’t leave me alone” whenever he couldn’t find me.
In the middle of class, in a middle of a thought, I felt a rush of emotions. I really wanted to see him again. I didn’t know why but for the first time I experienced a feeling like this. As soon as my teacher said we don’t have to attend class to the end I rushed out and made it across the city to see him. I was happy I saw his face again. After he finished everything he wanted to do… we left the area and I finally got the courage to reach out to hold his hand. We held each other’s hand till we got back to his house where we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
I’ve lived my life for everyone else, doing nothing but help others because the only thing I wanted in return was that nice feeling, that warmth from helping someone when they need it. I finally found someone who is like me, the same but the opposite. We were together for quite some time and he was my first. In the end, I found out that the help he has provided me was for the same reason I offer it to other. The lives we’ve endured were miserable, we live and abide by the same reasoning. We face the public wearing nothing but a mask to hide ourselves, our true feelings, our pain. We both understand more about each other than what everyone else knows because we shared similar experiences.
We turned out contrasting each other because of our similar yet different experiences. He’s truthful; I’m deceitful when it comes to others (not to him though). He’s willing to help others by standing up in the front; I aid those in the back. He’s sociable; I’m reserved. He can do the things I’m afraid of; I can do the things he wouldn’t consider.
He’s done a lot for me and I love him for that, for who he is, for what he will always mean to me. I’m happy for time he has spent with me, the comfort he’s provided, and the help I so desperately needed. He helped me escaped my trouble allowed me to recover from my terrible life. I don’t want to lose him but… I’m afraid. I’m afraid that no matter how hard I try I won’t be enough and that the help I offer will make things worse. I’m afraid that I don’t stay with him, I’ll lose him and that value of existence. That value that I’m worth something as a person to someone other than the skills I can provide. I was raised worth nothing and I don’t want to ever return to that.
He told me, “I love you” and I replied with the same words… but we both had different meanings. I don’t know what to do or how to feel now… I just hope time is enough for me to figure it out.
There is always that one person in your list of friends who unexpectedly helps you when you need it most. I thank you for mending this wound of mine, even if was by accident.
