So… I kinda stopped all of a sudden ‘cause the more I kept writing the more I became… angry? sad?… I’m not so sure but it wasn’t a good feeling.

So I’ll just say this: I’m happy being with you because of being the opposite of each other we kinda complete each other. :9 (I say kinda because we do overlap) This will be approximately the fifth month since this started and almost been a month since we’ve came together. Despite all that has happened, I’m grateful it turned out this way. Shall we end this year and start another together.

I always felt like the curse child, for me to gain something I have to lose something with equal value. I’m happy but… I feel like I’m causing you to suffer in some strange cosmic way. So in the end my joy is the result of someone else’s suffering, but I will do what I can to end that suffer just to make you smile.

It’s funny, my mind and body is never really in sync. Whenever I think about the something the worse I began to think of the thought. But when I am there I respond very differently. Despite how much anger I feel from a thought, I feel so much joy from being next to you.

Things are looking up, hopefully that’ll become the new low.

most-awkward-moments:

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” -Albert Pine.

Whenever you say things like how you miss me, it’s nice to hear from you but… when you say things like “I miss your ****,” just… makes me feel like shit all over again. When I had to get over you wanting to be able to have sex with whoever you want… I had to really try hard to accept it. But why? If you really want to be able to get it from people, how the hell is that suppose to make feel special?! It hurts knowing that I want to share those moments just between us but you see it as depriving others and what you do with other people is just between them. It has nothing to do with me. Whenever you bring up sex… it feels like I’m just meant for your enjoyment nothing else, there’s nothing intimate about it.

I just want you to make feel I’m special, someone who you treat differently. Someone who you reserve certain things, personal things, to just me. You cry whenever I portray you poorly when I felt terrible and say you don’t know why you continue to stay with me. You say you let your actions speak for you but what have they said about you?
You say you don’t trust me and won’t reveal anything personal about yourself. You want to be willing to have sex with other people, what are these certain thing you reserve for me?

Is it how you act? I don’t see anything different when you’re with me or with them.

Is it how you feel? You keep telling me that you are missing that certain feeling with me.

I just feel like someone you have benefits with and a person you like to have around to keep you company and to make yourself feel better.

If I told you I was gonna disappear from your life because of the way I felt, what will you do?

That dream I had, I can’t take it lightly. My emotions for you has begun to flicker, the passion I have you is burning like a candle. And at some point, you will blow it out before you realize it. I don’t have my lighter anymore when that happen.

The more we communicate the more we know about each other. But as close as we’ve become, it sometimes hurts to be with you. Not because of what you’ve done to me but what you say you will do. As much as I say want to be with you, I feel that we won’t be together as long as we would want it to last, or at least I would want to be. I can’t say something that’ll change you because I don’t want you to change. So, in the end, all I can do is just enjoy the time we spend together and accept whatever happens.

I’m not certain of how things will end, the only thing I can do now is just wait and see what’s around the bend.